Monday, April 1, 2019

You heard it here first

La Jolla, California -- Sources close to Professor Phil "Strongman" Baran inform us that he his quietly announced his surprise early retirement. Says Baran, "I'm really tired of organic chemistry, and want to move forward in pursuing my passion project -- artisanal organic free-range grass-fed bodybuilding supplements. Given the immense responsibility of running an ethically-sourced supplement company, I just can't juggle being a PI any more."

Analysts at BBT (Baran Bodybuilding Technologies) announce their excitement about the newly-developed supplements: "We've developed a secret formula that maximizes development of so-called vanity muscles (pecs, biceps, and abs), while minimizing any undesired hypertrophy of annoying functional muscles (e.g., quads). Finally practitioners can achieve that 'ripped-torso, chicken-legs' look that everyone strives for."

Baran doesn't have an estimate of when his product will go to market, saying, "I've got to graduate all these pesky PhD candidates in my lab first. Then, the real work can begin."

You heard it here first, folks.

Happy April 1.